Lonely!

I am not sad that he left, I am afraid that something has left with him. Something that is unique, something that is a bit tough to capture in words and pour in to bottles with known-labels. He was many things, across many phases of his country. A country that he saw as the mental-space shared by the fealty to ideals, than a landmass with boundaries drawn in soil with blood. A country he was more than willing to throw himself in harm’s way and refuse to leave from there, to ensure that the country he loved most doesn’t ever, EVER, remain the country only for him and the likes of him. 

Yes, I am WELL aware of his compromises with his own convictions and principles over 60 years of service. Some were made as a cost for pragmatism & real-politic, others were made out of his impulsive, risky, unpredictable side, all of which in turn made him an imperfect leader, something that he has been more than aware of. 

Yes, I also know there is something in the air after his death, in which all the people who are using air-waves are amplifying his statesman like personality, his maverick bent, his bipartisanship approach, his respectful nature for his opponents etc. and quietly slipping in few remarks to take palpable hits against their current favorite target in the white house. It is also true that people in general are generous with nice words for the deceased. 

All of that may be true, but none of them is an embellishment of his stubborn-conviction to certain principles he thought that are bigger than anyone that is living on the planet. He internalized them to his core. 

A core that has defined him, a core that has earned respect across all aisles, and ages. 

When his plane was shot down in an enemy combat fire, his captors wanted to employ a tactic by offering to release him early to gain leverage in negotiations because his father was a senior US navy admiral. He refused to get released earlier. You do not stubbornly refuse to take an opportunity to be freed from an enemy prison camp unless there is something inside you, call it what may, has sunk into bones and fleshes, knowing very well that those bones would be cut and fleshes would be tortured if he were to continue to stay in the confinement which is what actually followed. 

You cannot fake that, even to yourself. He chose to be at the receiving end of that suffering until his turn came after 5.5 years, after which he returned as a broken man. 

He was an undying champion of the West and western principles. When he stood up-time and again-against torture and enhanced interrogation techniques of prisoners of war including Al-Qaida members and when he repeatedly tore down the powers behind false-propagandists of torture in his soaring speeches on senate floor against his own party leadership, I recall a moment from Gandhi movie. “………………Whatever the moral ascendancy the west held was lost here and today” telegraphs Martin Sheen using early 1900s telephone. For all we know, McCain is always the biggest supporter of military and men-in-service. The confinement, torture and suffering that he endured as prisoner of war has not made him cynic about his country’s enemies, on the contrary it made him empathize with captured combatants. He evolved as the biggest champion of human-rights, especially detainee rights. I would urge to watch him here. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9BPPizuaXag. 

You do not become that man you see in that video, without what is seen on video is what he has really ingrained into his core.

He loved America. He wore that love on his shoulder. But he never wore it in a way that excludes others from becoming Americans. Whatever that otherness is, it did not matter to him, never. He visited troops countless times all over the world, and he celebrated and wept for those people who gave their lives for America even before they became American Citizens, at least legally. 

During 2008 campaign when an old woman from his own party said, she believes Obama to be an Arab and she is scared that he might become president of America. We all know what McCain did right then and there in front of national audience, politely admonishing the old woman to say such vile things about his opponent. He fundamentally said, his opponent is not only a decent man but also no one needs to be scared if his opponent proceeds to become president of America. That’s not an isolated incident. I vividly remember another incident here from the same period. https://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/27/us/politics/27name.html. 

The point is, one does not do those things, unless there is something in his DNA that treats opponents with respect, even if that means his defeat by choosing not to exploit his opponents’ weaknesses in their identities. 

I can go on with many more examples. His principled fight, if not crusade, against big money in politics, his disdain for Supreme Court’s citizens-united ruling which opened gates far and wide for dumping tons of corporate money into politics, and his courage to criticize that ruling which was delivered by his own party’s celebrated justice is well established. His willingness to reach out across the aisle many times on many issues including the immigration reform is also indisputable. 

Why do I write all this obvious stuff? I don’t know. 

I genuinely liked him, admired him, and respected him. 

I know he didn’t always live up to his reputation. I also know his biggest sin in life probably is his Hail Mary Pass back in 08, and it was tough for me to stomach it. It is arguable that what he inadvertently let it happen is a precursor to what we are seeing today. I know all that . 

However I voted for him. He was my first presidential candidate vote. He occupies a special place in America for me. I voted for him knowing very well he would lose. I guess I secretly wanted him to lose, I don’t know, but I would still vote for him even today. But what I feel today is not about votes, elections, politics and all that nonsense. 

Something inside me feels alone. You know that feeling - when two people turn heads and look into each other’s eyes when they both notice something inexplicable that just happened, as a matter of bouncing-off what is on their mind, as a matter of comfort, as a matter of ‘did you just see what I saw?’, as a matter of silent agreement, or as a matter of helplessness. I am so poor in English, there has to be a word for it. 

I miss that set-of-eyes now, and I miss the other head!

With him gone, I somehow feel lonely. 

That loneliness inside has been bubbling up even when I am with the groups of friends during this long weekend camping and it forced me to come out of my self-imposed hiatus from social media, just to throw it all out into ether.

He was a servant of something higher than himself. It was a life of a Patriot. He was a Man of core convictions and imperfections.

In many ways, He was my first America. 

The America without him suddenly feels a bit lonely for me!